My Own 'Community'

Have you noticed that as long as you say stuff with confidence people will believe what you say?  Even if they know what you are saying is completely wrong, they will question themselves.   

(The following story is based on true facts I received from actual witnesses.  Names have not been changed because it's really not worth the trouble.)

Driving back from Sonic (a delicious drive-thru joint that serves super tator tots and cherry limeades), a group of WashU alumni got slightly lost.  Lucky for them, Melissa Chang was in the passenger seat ready to help out in any way possible.  The driver needed a little bit of help reading the street signs and Melissa was right there ready to offer up her services.  

As they drive by Holcombe, Melissa quickly yells out in the most confident voice..."That was...

HOLE-COMB-BAY!" 

Now, I'm gonna bet that all of you out there pronounced Holcombe as 'hole-come'.  Interesting how Melissa turned the 2 syllable name into 3 syllables.  Interesting how she turned an English name into something sounding a bit Spanish and Jamaican. Interesting how people all know the correct pronunciation of Holcombe yet still question if they actually ever knew the correct pronunciation.  Interesting, how I only needed to see Melissa for a weekend and already have another Melissa story.

Tomato...Toe ma toe, Potato...Poe ta toe, Holcombe....Hole-comb-bay.         

My blog is now up and running!!  (golf claps...)

Now, I know many of you out there are big fans of Melissa stories.  Honestly...so am I.  Melissa has brought much laughter and joy throughout my years in STL.  Sadly, I am no longer in STL and thus have a hard time producing Melissa stories...(sighs of disappointment from the crowd...except for Melissa who is whooping it up.)  Good news is, I have a new roomie who produces some quality stories of her own.  I hope to bring Kathy (my roomie) a fan basse of her own...but I highly doubt it will be as big as Melissa's.

You truly learn a lot about a person when you live with them.  You find out some of their strengths you didn't know about and some weaknesses that never appeared before. (I'm going to choose to focus on the weaknesses because when have I ever spotlighted the good).

Kathy doesn't handle stressful situations very well.  A situation will arise, panic quickly ensues, and then somebody needs to rescue her.  I couple of weeks ago we were at the mall looking around for nothing specific...just browsing.  We enter this one store that has mounds of dresses on sale and I pick up a dress and show it to Kathy.  She thinks it looks pretty good and I tell her to slip it over her head.  The dress is still on the hanger, but you can insert your head between the hanger and the actual dress so that the dress drapes over you and you can see what you look like....Girls you know what I'm talkin about.  Anyways...I was kinda surprised that Kathy was able to jam her head through the opening, but she did.  Unfortunately, I was correct in thinking the opening was too small for her head because lo and behold...Kathy is stuck with a hanger and dress around her neck.  

Picture you in the same store and a tiny girl with a fancy dress around her neck trying to get it off.  I'm standing next to her laughing...because if you pictured what I asked you to, then you'd be right there with me.  Her head is looking down at the floor, she's walking in a small circle while tugging at the hanger and dress.  (She looked special...you know...like she ate paste 'special'.) The whole time she's walking in circles with her head down she's whispering, "It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! I can't get it off!  It's stuck!! Alice seriously...it's stuck!!!" One can begin to hear the panic and embarrassment in her voice increase, which just makes things even funnier.  I honestly have no idea why she kept her head down...  Well, after I wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes, I stepped in for the rescue. Using my problem solving skills, I simply unhooked the dress from the hanger and BAM! the dress was no longer attached.  Kathy quickly put the dress back on the rack, and we left avoiding eye contact with anyone else. 

I'm a genius I tell ya...a genius!    

EVERY GIRL AND GUY IS A FATSO AT HEART!

Sorry to burst your bubble people, but you have to accept it...you're a fatso.  I know most of us try to hide this fact by being extremely disciplined in our exercise and eating habits, but eventually that fatso inside of you is going to jiggle it's big belly and show himself.

Let me provide you with a real life example:

So I have a roommate.  She's about 5' - 1/2", average weight for her size (can't post real weight because if she ever reads this I'm in big trouble...and I have to live with her), and occasionally makes an effort to exercise.  If you look at her, you would not think 'fatso', but let me tell you that she does enjoy food.  Anyways,  my roomie and I went to a small group last Tuesday night.  The group sent out an e-mail earlier in the week saying that they were going to order pizza and wanted a head count on all those who were interested.  My roomie (name will not be mentioned for fear that she will read this and begin yelling at me in Chinese) and I decided that we had eaten out far too much and wanted to cleanse our bodies of junk.  Through the e-mail and phone, we confirmed that we would be going, but not partaking in pizza. 

After eating our own dinner, we headed off to small group.  Shortly after we arrive, the pizza arrives.  Once again, the girls in the group ask us if we would like a slice of the 3-meats pizza.  Again we decline...actually let me correct myself...I decline while my roomie, with her eyes opened wide and some drool coming outta the corner of her mouth, says 'Maybe later.'  For those of you who don't know, 'Maybe later' actually means Dude..I soooo want some, but I can't because I already told you guys that I just ate dinner and that I didn't want any....I can't look like a fatso.  

A couple hours pass and we're just talking in the group and I notice my roomie is reaching across the table for the pizza box.  She flips open the lid and to her disappointment all the pizza is gone...there's not even a piece of meat left in the box for her.  But she can't let the rest of the group know that she actually wanted pizza, so to cover up her fatso tendency, she started putting the dirty paper plates and napkins into the empty box.  Smooth move.  Only a true fatso could cover up so quickly.  Unfortunately, by trying to cover up the fatso factor, she knocked over a glass of water....talk about embarrassing.  All I could do was laugh silently to myself because I knew that happened because she wanted to cover up the fatso factor. 

Say it loud and proud.....I'M A FATSO AND I WANT MY PIZZA!!!

**During the study, my roomie tried to get me to split a slice with her.  This is another way to hide the fatso in yourself.  Always split stuff and drag somebody else into it.

A special post for Christmas time....

For those you that don't know, I am a deep thinker.  I often sit alone in my room contemplating the wonders of life and how I can solve the world's problems.  So upon one of these moments of deep thinking, the question came into my head..."If certain things like dogs, cartoons, and stuffed animals can be so ugly that they'are cute, why can't humans be described that way?"

You know when people describe others they put them on a scale of 1-10.  (For those of you who are like, "Oh...what is she talking about, I never do things like that. I'm far too mature for that"...you need to stop lying to yourself and accept that you are shallow.) Anyways, the scale of 1-10 does not fall linearly, but rather in a circle.  So the person described as being a 5, is far worse off than the ones being described as a 1.  So for all of you who think you are a 5....I'm sorry to break the bad news to you.  You have two options here: either eat fatty foods and stop taking showers to reach 1, or plastic surgery for the 10.  If you ask me, it's easier, cheaper and more fun to eat crap and become a grease ball.

So for those of you who have yet to meet the perfect person, might I suggest you start examining the lower end of the scale where there are many more options.  You don't have to battle to find the 10's.  1's are running around for the taking.  And then when people ask you what the person you are interested in looks like you can reply,"He/She is sooo ugly that they are cute." Granted, you will receive some weird looks at first, but if everyone starts describing people as soo ugly that they're cute, it might catch on and could turn into a pick up line.

"Hey, how you doin?  Has anyone ever told you that you are so ugly that you're cute? Would you like to go out?"

I should write a book.